My first time.

Well.

I know if it's on here it's very likely SOMEONE will read it.

But, mostly I'm doing this to see if I can get my creative self to come out a bit more again.

Lately I feel drowned in a haze.  I feel unfullfilled.

I think I smoke too much pot.

I think I use the excuse of having too many jobs as to why I'm not in theatre as much as i'd like.

I wish I could draw.

I worry too much about what people think about me. 

I'm lonely and I want someone to be with me but that someone has someone else.

Well, at least I'm good about not looking for trouble and keeping it in my pants.  But it's hard.  VERY hard.  

Every time my phone rings, I kinda hope its him.  

I hate that he has this effect on me because even if he didn't have anyone, I'm not sure he'd be with me.  And if he was with me, I'm pretty sure he'd go looking around for someone else.  

I just watched Frida for the first time.

Probably why I feel so strongly about this right now.

I want to feel more bohemian.

I'm always jealous of people that can just say or do what they feel and whatever it is, it's just beautiful.

I don't feel like I've created something beautiful in a while.  Or ever maybe.

Sometimes I feel like I'm depressed because I don't have a lot of will power.

But then I think about how I love life most of the time, like everyone else, so how can I be depressed.

I want to lose weight for myself.

But then again I'm not sure.

I want to be desired.

And I don't feel that the way I look now is desireable to anyone.

It's dumb I know.

But I can't help but think that if i was slimmer, I wouldn't be so alone all the time.

Or maybe I'd have more courage to approach someone.

Or maybe I just want to fit in with society?

No.

Not that one.  

I want to wear cute clothes and not feel like I look disgusting.

To other people.

I want to sing and make people want to sing too.

I don't want this to seem self deprecating or self obsessed.

It just comes out.

It's things i want in life.

A wish list of some sort, one might say.

I want to write at least once a week.

To clear my mind a little.

Maybe this'll help.

Well.

Some might read this.

Some might not.